


Did you have to leave me?

by orphan_account



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Angst, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, I Wrote This Instead of Sleeping, M/M, Sad, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-11
Updated: 2020-12-11
Packaged: 2021-03-10 05:54:33
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,266
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27979185
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: ~Sad Kuroken~(I prob wont finish this)
Relationships: Akaashi Keiji/Bokuto Koutarou, Kozume Kenma/Kuroo Tetsurou
Kudos: 12





	Did you have to leave me?

**Author's Note:**

> I recently read “The galaxy is endless (and I thought we were too)” and now we’re here. I started this on December 9, 2020, at the end will be when I ended it. So this might take a while. Anyway, hope you like it!
> 
> (Also: This is one year back so Kenma and Akaashi are 1st years going up to second, and Kuroo and Bokuto are going up to third years.
> 
> TW: Suicide, explicit language, SH, anxiety attacks,
> 
> (THIS IS NOT DONE MY FRIEND FORCED ME TO POST THIS)
> 
> and if you noticed my writing style change, no you didn't.

“Kenma! Hurry up, we’re going to be late for practice!” A black haired teen yelled at a younger boy who was finishing getting his uniform on. 

“I’m coming!” Kenma yelled back, jogging out to where the black haired boy stood. “Took you long enough. Let’s go,” Kuroo took Kenmas hand and pulled him to the court.

”You jerk! Don’t do that!” Kenma yelled at the older boy when they got to their destination and let go.

“Sorry, not sorry. Anyways, you two ready?” Kuroo asked Akaashi and Bokuto. They had all agreed to practice together at Nekoma since it was summer break.

“Heck yea we are!” Bokuto almost yelled, nudging Akaashi. “Mm, right,” Akaashi said in agreement.

At this point, Kenma wasn’t quite comfortable with them yet and was only ‘friends’ with them for Kuroos sake. So in all honesty, it was very boring for the young boy. He never really wanted to participate, so he didn’t. Of course, sometimes he would, but only when Kuroo asked nicely.

However, Kuroo and Bokuto were having the time of their lives. Every time they had done something right they would yell in happiness. Sometimes when they did something wrong the other would laugh, but that never hurt their spirits.

Kenma wondered how they could be so happy all the time.

After about 3 hours it was 9:14 pm. Kenma wanted to start complaining and asking Kuroo to walk him home, but also didn’t wanna ruin his fun. Instead, he just sat on the bench with his knees up to his chest and pulled out his phone.

He scrolled through some social media, but after a while, he settled on a game where you had to fight for your life. Like Call Of Duty but without real players.

He had lost track of time after that, and when Kuroo tapped his shoulder repeating “Kenma” for what had to have been the 5th time he almost didn’t notice. When he looked up Kuroo had a worried look on his face.

“What’s wrong? Did something happen?” The younger boy asked. “I could be asking you the same thing. Your crying Kenma.” When had he started crying? Kuroo wiped his tears off his face and phone. “Ready to go home? It’s almost 11.”

“What? Really? You sure you don’t wanna stay?” Kenma looked around but couldn’t spot the two boys that were here earlier. “Nah, they left a few minutes ago. Akaashi looked over and saw you crying then they decided to pick up and leave. No big deal though, so what’s wrong?”

“Nothing.. in all honesty, I don’t know why I’m crying,” Kenma let out a forced laugh. Kuroo just nodded. “Right. I’m sorry, by the way. I know you didn’t wanna come here and I kinda forced you and I’m really sorry I didn’t mean too if you don’t wanna do it again I tot-“

“Shut up, you idiot. Your rambling again. And it’s fine, it was pretty good practice, to be honest.” Kenma had cut him off.

Kuroo cleared his throat before replying. “Yea, sorry. And that’s good. I guess.”

“It was fun too. The bigger guy? Yea he looked like someone you’d have fun with and hang with.”

“Uh.. did I take that the wrong way? I still like you too. Your my best friend, Kenma. Don’t get that mixed up just because I’m hanging out with Bokuto.”

Kenma nodded and put his phone away. After they changed they walked in a comfortable silence to Kenmas.

When they got there, they said their goodbyes. Kuroos house was across the street so he went home and went to bed.

Kenma, on the other hand, stayed up until 4 am playing Animal Crossing. It wasn’t out of the normal, but he did stay up later after he put the game down. His head was filling with different—unhelpful—thoughts. _Why am I like this? What did I do wrong? Why.. why am I here?_

Eventually, an alarm he had set interrupted him from his thoughts. He decided Kuroo was probably awake by now so he sent him a text.

 **Kenma: sup** (7:01)

 **Kuroo: Hey! Good morning!** (7:01)

 **Kenma: what's up** (7:01)

 **Kuroo: Just getting ready for our date at the mall later!** (7:02)

 **Kenma: it's not a date** (7:02)

 **Kuroo: Mhm, sure its not.** (7:02)

 **Kenma: can we skip** (7:02)

 **Kenma: i don't feel good and i have a headache** (7:03)

 **Kuroo: Sure! I'll be over later then. Is an hour okay? I have to do something with my sister.** (7:04)

 **Kenma: ok that's fine** (7:04)

 **Kenma: and you don't have to come over** (7:04)

 **Kuroo: But I want to, so I will. Cya in a bit!** (7:05)

 **Kenma: see ya** (7:05)

* * *

* * *

"Just relax. Your gonna be fine. It's probably just a cold," Kuroo tried for what felt like the hundredth time. "No, I feel really bad. It's not a cold. Wait, what if I have cancer or something? God, my life is ruined!" Kenma complained. Kuroo laughed. "Kenma, KenKen, your life is not ruined. Your fever is not that high. Where else does it hurt?" 

"I'm not telling you. You're not a doctor."

"I'm better. So where does it hurt?"

"How are you better?"

" _I_ have the internet. They just use their memory. Now tell me. I'll look up symptoms for cancer, one sec," Kuroo pulled out his phone and began typing. A minute or two later he broke the silence. 

"You're not coughing and your voice isn't hoarse so that's good. And I don't see any random bruises- besides the one on your knee. Where'd you get that?" Kuroo asked genuinely. 

"I fell while trying to be a libero." He mumbled, almost inaudible. 

"Right right. You ate your Pocky sticks I gave you okay. So no problem there. Headache?" Kenma nodded.

"Okay so you don't have even half the symptoms, so I think you're good," Kuroo stated. "Or you made all that up," Kenma added. Kuroo just shook his head then gave Kenma a look. Kenma shut up after that.

* * *

* * *

Kenma eventually fell asleep around 3 in the afternoon and didn't wake up until eventually, Kuroos mom called him home at 9. Kuroo left silently after telling the younger boy's mom and left Kenma there on the living room couch. Kenma woke up the next day in a panic. "Kuroo? Kuroo! Where are you?! No no no! Don't leave me!" He yelled. "Mom! I'm leaving! Bye!" Kenma ran frantically across the street to his friend's house.

He took the extra key the keep in a plant and fumbled with it until he got the door open. He ran in yelling Kuroos name over and over. He went to his parents' room, to find his father already awake and going out to see what the yelling was. They ran into each other in the door frame, but that didn't stop Kenma from hugging him and lost falling. 

"I- I- Wheres Kuroo?! I need him! No no no! He can't leave me!" Kenma told the man in front of him, holding onto him like a lifeline. 

"Hey, hey, Kenma. It's me. His dad. Tetsurou's fine. He's sleeping. Shh.. it's okay. Everythings okay," Mr. Kuroo told him, giving Kenma a soft hug to calm him down. Kenmas breathing sowed a little, but the tears held strong. "No.. no. I need to see him," Kenma pleaded. The older man sighed but agreed.

He led Kenma to Kuroos room where he was still sleeping peacefully, just like his father had said. "Okay. Okay, thank you. He's okay," Kenma concluded after checking his pulse. 

"So, Kenma, are you okay?" The taller figure asked when they took a seat in the living room. Kenma nodded. "Yea, just a nightmare. Sorry, sir," The younger boy said, looking down. 

"No, your okay dear. The nightmare probably caused an anxiety attack. I completely understand. I'll get you some water and call your mom to tell her where you went at three in the morning."

 _Was it that early?_ Kenma looked at the digital clock they kept, and yep. It was that early. 3:13 to be exact. Kenma nodded at him as he left the room. 

A few minutes later he came back, water in one hand and a coffee mug in the other. "Here you go, kiddo," he said, handing the water to Kenma. Kenma nodded and drank some of it before setting it down on the counter. "Thank you," Kenma said, earning a smile and nod before he too put his mug down. 

"Are you feeling better now?" Kenma looked at his hands before responding, "I think so." 

"Well, don't forget I'm here if you need anything. Tetsu said you fell asleep pretty early yesterday. Do you want me to take your temperature?" He moved his hand to Kenmas forehead. Of course, Kenma let him, they've known each other at least half of Kenmas life by now. They had a bond, kind of. "You feel okay. The sleep probably helped. Tetsu normally wakes up around 5 or 6, so if you want you can watch the tv. Here," he handed Kenma the remote. 

"Since I'm up, I should get ready for work in a few hours. We're having American pancakes for breakfast today, want me to make you an extra two?" 

"Yea, if it's not too much trouble."

"Nope. I'll start those when my wife wakes up. They don't like cold food," He said with a wink. That earned a slight laugh from Kenma, which would be a good sign if it wasn't forced. The man got up and went into the kitchen with his mug in hand again. Kenma didn't know when he had stopped crying but he did, so he took the remote and changed channels until he found a show he used to watch when he was 5 and played it. 

Time went by fairly quickly. At 6 Kuroo had woken up and they played Minecraft on his two computers together. At 7 his mom was up then breakfast was ready at 7:30, so at 8 Kenma finished eating and went home to change. He came back to Kuroos house in a Nekoma hoodie and sweatpants. "So, wanna chill at my house today?" Kuroo asked, receiving a nod from Kenma. 

And they did. They were at his house all day and eventually Kenma had fallen bored with Minecraft so they switched games. They had switched games a few times before it was around midnight, and Kuroo got tired. "Kenma? Wanna go to bed now? It's getting kinda late." He told his gaming buddy. Kenma yawned in agreement. The two boys got up and Kuroo let Kenma borrow a shirt and pajama pants, which of course were too big. Eventually, when they ruled out that none of Kuroos pants would fit Kenma, he just slept in his sweatpants. 

"Good night, Kenma." "Good night." Slowly after that, they fell asleep. 

* * *

* * *

The younger boy woke up the next day, feeling extremely tired. He noticed that Kuroo was over at his computer playing something. "Kuroo?" The boy of question looked at him with a smile. "Hey, sleepyhead. Looks like you finally woke up!" 

“What do you mean ‘finally woke up’?”

“It's 12. You slept for what? Half a day? I was starting to think you were dead,” Kuroo laughed at his own joke. 

“Sorry, I haven't been sleeping well lately.” Kenma protested.

“No big deal. It's summer so it's not like it really matters.”

Well“Right. My mom is probably worried, is your dad home?" Kuroo shook his head. "He had work today. My mom can text her though. I'll go tell her too. You can pick some clothes and change-- if you want." Kuroo left the room, leaving Kenma alone. Kenma went up and locked the door.

_Should I be here? Im probably a burden. They don't want me here. Ugh, I hate this. I should leave. Yea, I'll do that._

Kenma unlocked the door and went into their living room down the stairs. He counted the seconds to keep from crying. 17 seconds until he found Kuroo. "Hey, I'm gonna go home. You can call Bokuto or whatever to keep you company if you need it. Bye," Kenma left the confused boy without looking back or waiting for a reply. He ran home and locked himself in his room. 

he ignored his mom who came in--she had a key--and tried to calm him down, from his now crying stage. The boy laid on his stomach, pillow in his face, muffling his crying. "Sweetie, what's wrong? Did something happen with you and Tetsurou?" Kenmas mom asked, rubbing his back softly. Kenma couldn't find the strength to stop crying and answer his mother, which made her worry more. 

"You can tell me anything. I'm here for you, Kenma... I love you. Shh... it's okay." She kept attempting to calm him and eventually, it worked. Well, a little bit at least. The crying got down to a point where it was manageable, and he didn't have to try so hard to keep his breath steady. He was still shaking, but that was okay for now. After a little more calming deep breaths he sat up, ready to face his mom's disappointing face. When he did so, he didn't see a disappointed look. Instead a soft smile, and bright blue eyes. In Kenmas eyes, hers were the prettiest color. And that's saying something since he's seen Kuroos. his older friend's eyes were a very close second. 

"Hey, Kenma. How are you feeling?" She asked, tucking his hair behind his ear. "Fine, I guess." He responded, not meeting her eyes. "Ok.. that's a start," Kenma hated how optimistic she was, but loved it at the same time. She always knew how to make him feel better. "I'm sorry. I thought Kuroo didn't want me there anymore so I got worried about what he thought of me and if I was a burden and I didn't know what to do and I'm really sorry I didn't think-- no. I never think. I'm a failure, mom! Why don't you see that!? You should just give up on me! I never do anything right!" His outburst was enough for the crying to come strong again. 

Kenmas mom nodded knowingly. "You're right. I should give up. But," she continued when she saw her son's hurt face, "I'm not going to. Kenma, I believe in you. Your gonna grow up to do great things one day. Whether you choose to be a gamer, volleyball player, lawyer, or whatever you want to do, I believe you can do it." Kenma was now hugging his mom absentmindedly like he did when he was little. He's had anxiety since he was a kid-- nothing new. But it got worse as he got older. Eventually, he was diagnosed with depression and he needed to take medicine to help.

If Kenma was being honest with himself, Kuroo and Volleyball were the only things that truly made him happy. Oh. And videogames. "Ok. I'm gonna-" he stopped to catch his breath. "Gonna go now. To Nekoma. I'm- I'm gonna ask Yaku if he wants to come," He admitted to his mom. She studied him for a second, then agreed. Kenma gave her a small smile before she left the room to give him privacy. He grabbed his phone and opened up to Yaku's messages.

 **Kenma: yaku wanna play** (1:37)

 **Yaku: play what** (1:42)

 **Kenma: vball** (1:43)

 **Yaku: sure** (1:43)

 **Kenma: k meet you at nekoma in 15** (1:43)

 **Yaku: k** (1:45)

20 minutes after, Yaku got to Nekoma. Kenma was already there setting up the net, so Yaku got out the balls. "Sorry I was kinda late." Yaku apologized. "You're fine, it was short notice." Yaku nodded at that and helped set up the net, having finished getting out the balls. "So.. why are we here?" Kenma had many ways to answer this. He could say, 'Oh well I had a panic attack and need to blow off steam.' Or, 'Extra practice.' Or even just not answer. He went with the second option. "Oh, okay. You didn't want Kuroo instead?" 

"Can you not question my every move for one second?" Kenma said back, giving him a look. 

"Sorry sorry. I'll stop. Ready?" Kenma nodded. 

Yaku grabbed a ball and launched it in the air, running to spike when Kenma set it up. The timing was a little off, but soon enough they got the hang of it. They did this for what felt like very little time but soon went over 2 hours. 

"Can- can we take a break?" Yaku asked between breaths. "Yea, sure. 20 minutes?" Yaku nodded then sat down on a bench near his water bottle. Kenma did the same. "..thanks by the way," Kenma muttered. 

"Sorry, what?" Yaku asked genuinely.

"Thank you for coming and practicing. It means a lot, believe it or not." This really boosted Yaku's ego as he had a grim smile on his face. 

"No problem, little bud! My pleasure!" He exclaimed, putting an arm around Kenmas shoulder. Kenma glared at him.

"If looks could kill." Yaku laughed at his own joke and retracted his arm to take another sip of water. 

When their break finished, they started practicing again. They lined up water bottles and hit it almost every time. Soon, 5 minutes turned into another hour and more. "Keeennnmmaaa! It's almost 10! Can't we stop now and go home?" Yaku complained. Kenma thought about it. "No. Not yet, one more hour? Please?" Kenma pleaded. It was pretty easy to win Yaku over, especially late at night. "Fine. Let's practice jumping-- for 10 minutes. then I'm going home whether you like it or not." Kenma nodded, agreeing with the circumstances. 

Yaku kept his words. He helped clean up after 10 minutes, then left. Kenma was there a little while after, not wanting to go home. His mom was probably worried so he pulled out his phone to text her.

 **Kenma: hey mom ill be home soon** (10:03)

 **Kenma: sorry for being out late** (10:03)

 **Mom: No big deal sweetie** (10:04)

 **Mom: Be safe! I'll see you when you get home xoxo** (10:04)

 **Kenma: yea** (10:04)

* * *

* * *

_I could do it. I should do it. No one liked me so it's not like it would make a_ difference, Kenma thought. _What if I went up there to see how high it was? Yea, that'll work. I'll decide from there._ Kenma walked up the abandoned 7 story building and sat on the rooftop. 

"This is nice.. Kuroo would like it." Kenma said aloud. There were no overgrown plants or anything so the place must've been abandoned recently. "I wonder why.." 

Kenma got up and walked to the edge. There were a lot of cars, he noticed. They were going forward without even glancing his way, not that he could tell from all the way up there. It was pretty peaceful with just Tokyo's lights and the car engines being heard. 

He stood there for a minute before deciding his answer. _What if I just.._ he then sat on the railing, facing the road. "No. Kuroo wouldn't want this.. but... I do. So, I should do it. Yea okay," the boy thought out loud. 

* * *

* * *

"Kuroo! Wake up! Right now, damn it!" from all the yelling, the person of question woke up. He saw a crying Kai. "What's wrong?" he asked, sitting up.

"Get dressed, we need to go to the hospital. Hurry dumbass!" Kuroo got up, his mind running 100 miles per hour. _Why the hospital? Did something happen? Who got hurt? Are they okay?_

After Kuroo got dressed they ran outside to where Kuroo's older sister's car was started. Kuroo got in the passenger seat, kai in the back and they headed to the hospital. When they got there, they went up to room 47, floor 2. "So whos he- what the fuck." He froze in place when he saw Kenma on the hospital bed, hooked up to cords and wires. "Kenma? What are you doing? Get up," he told the limb boy, who had a very slow pulse when he ran up to him and checked. 

"Care to explain?" Kuroo asked, looking around the room with burred sight. Just then a doctor came in as if being summoned. 

"Mr. Kozume here, he attempted suicide. And he may have succeeded. We can't do much right now, since when he jumped he hit something vital. We have two options. We can put him in a coma right now so he won't feel pain when he dies, but it would have to be like now now. Or, we could have him die normally and let you say goodbyes. He is awake but just can't open his eyes because of how weak he is," the doctor explained. 

At this point, Kuroo was full-on sobbing, holding onto Kenmas hand. "he cant- nonono. He can't leave me! There are so many things left for him! No, no, no, please. Help him! You're the doctor! Do something! Please.. help him.. its all I ask. He needs to survive!" The doctor ignored his outburst, turning to his sister. Kuroos crying was too loud for him to hear what they were saying. 

_Beeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep_

"What? What was that?!" Kuroo immediately checked his pulse. Nothing. "Fuck. No no no! This cant happen! Uhm.. CPR!" Before he could start, his sister held him back. 

"Let me go! No! No.. no. No no no. No! Fuck no! Let me help him! It can't end like this! No! I never got to tell him how I feel... FUCK!" After that, Kuroo got dragged out of the room by his sister and Kei. He hadn't noticed his other teammates around him and didn't care. He didn't need them. He needed Kenma. He needed his other player. He needed the boy who was there for him. Always. He couldn't form any more words after, his crying too much. 

Soon, without his realizing it, he was back in the car, and after that in his bed. The next 2 months went by in a blur, especially since school started. Wake up, eat, school, repeat. Volleyball practice wasn't fun anymore without Kenma. He spent most of his time crying or sleeping. He tried some drugs but didn't like them that much because they only helped for a few hours then you felt like complete shit when it wore off.

Alcohol hurt his throat, too.

He still texted Kenmas number every day, however. It was like old times. But without the reply.

* * *

* * *

"Are you coming to Kenmas funeral?" Yaku asked the day he came back to practice. The funeral was later that day, and something was being held as a memorial for him at school. "..no. I can't, I just can't. It's too hard. I can't-" pause. "I can't even think of him without crying," Kuroo answered, tears already forming in his eyes. Yaku nodded. He rubbed the older boy's back, in an attempt to be comforting, but then Kuroo ended up balling and his head being tucked into the silver-haired boy's chest. 

Yaku just let him. He didn't know what else to do, to be honest. He was never the best in these situations. Kuroo didn't mind, though. As long as someone was there for him, that was enough. "thank you" the crying boy whispered into Yaku's ear. Yaku just nodded and smiled again. Eventually, he let go. Kuroo rubbed the back of his neck nervously.

"Sorry for getting your shirt wet..'

Yaku looked down, seemingly not noticed. "Your good." He flashed a magazine-worthy smile, like always.

* * *

* * *

And again. The days went by in a blur. He went to the memorial, ad regretted it. It just shared happy moments and when Kuroo was asked too he said 5 words then broke down into tears. In front of the whole school. Of course, his team went up and helped--also known as dragged--him off stage. After that, he skipped school for a week, barely eating anything.

"Tetsu.. please eat this. I made it for you. It tastes good, and it's good for you. Anyways, enjoy." His sister left the room, putting the soup o his desk filled with unfinished school work the left him to his thoughts. His drowning thoughts. The thoughts that had no end. Dumb ones. Sad ones. Ones that made him cry. And then Kenma. Kenma was always there, lurking in his thoughts. Always.

* * *

* * *

_"It's been 5 months since he died, move on!" "Chill out. he's in a better place now." "He left us because he didn't care."_ That one hit home. It rang in his head on repeat. _He left us because he didn't care. He left us because he didn't care. He left us because he didn't care. He left us because he didn't care._ It was annoying the hell out of Kuroo. It wasn't true. ..right? he left because he was in pain. But never told anyone. _It's my fault. All my fault. I'm.. I'm stupid. I should've asked what's wrong. And actually been there for him. It really was a one-sided relationship, wasn't it? I was never worthy of him._

"FUCK YOU!" Kuroo yelled, punching the new punching bag he got when he was angry like this. His anger issues were off the roof. He got pissed so easily nowadays. It was pretty concerning for his family. 


End file.
